I haven't talked much about how the transition to actually being a mom has been for me, so I thought I should do that while he's still young, while I can remember some things and before I'm a mom of a toddler, because I'm sure it will change again then. I didn't know what to expect with adding a baby to our family. I don't think you can really mentally prepare yourself for it. People tell you things, but that's completely different from experiencing it yourself.
Mason was just 3 days old here! How do you prepare yourself to be responsible for that wonderful little life? You can't, you just jump right in.
The emotions I go through are crazy. I'm definitely a much more emotional person now...like, a total mushball. At my 2 and 6 week checkups, I had to do a post-partum depression screening. Everything looked great at my first one. At my second one, I didn't score as well. I wasn't depressed, but I had room for improvement. I talked to my midwife about it (I had actually talked to Josh about it a couple nights before, so this wasn't news to him). I couldn't make sense of any of it. I didn't really know what was bothering me, so I had to dig really deep to figure some things out. That only helped so much, because it still didn't make sense to me. After weeks of thinking and praying about what in the world was going on in my mind, I think I've figured it out to an extent. I was struggling to figure out what my new role was. While I was working through that, I kind of forget about taking care of me sometimes. I guess it started around the time Josh went back to work and our new real life started. It was kind of like his parental leave was the honeymoon phase. I'm incredibly thankful that he had that leave. Having him with me so we could learn how to take care of our new baby TOGETHER was definitely a blessing! Anyway, here's my crazy thought process, that I wrote like 2 months ago...
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I love taking care of Mason, but I'm still struggling to adjust to our new normal. I'm incredibly happy, but it's still easy for me to get sad over the dumbest things. I'm not happy with the state of my house. It really bothers me that I can't figure out the right balance of caring for him and caring for the other people/things in my life, including myself. If I get "enough" cleaning done for a day, I feel guilty that Mason only did tummy time once and I didn't throw the frisbee for Bailey. For the record, I define what enough is. Josh puts 0 pressure on me to get any housework done, so all that stress I have about it, I put on myself. If I spend the amount of time that I want focusing on Mason, I feel guilty that Josh comes home to a sink full of dirty dishes and a floor covered in dog hair and I didn't get any exercise. I'm learning to be OK with the fact that I can't do it all, but it is a very long, hard lesson to learn! Now, I'm back at work, and it's even harder. Cut that time I had to divide all those things into down to almost none and imagine how crazy that makes me!
Another thing I'm having trouble adjusting to is how needy I feel sometimes. Josh literally did everything for me during those first couple of weeks. I didn't change any diapers until we transitioned to cloth, so Mason was about 4 or 5 days old. Even after that, Josh changed all of the middle of the night diapers and most of the daytime diapers. When Mason needed to eat in the middle of the night, he got up with me just to keep me company. I didn't get my own food or water...he even brought food to me in bed (I still can't believe I ate in bed). He washed all of the laundry and took out all of the trash. He didn't have to work and we had help with meals, dishes and such, so he made it his full time job to take care of me and Mason. I never had to ask for anything, it was kind of like he read my mind and did exactly what I wanted before I even got the chance to ask for it. Every woman's dream, right? It was really nice. I hate asking for help, even from people closest to me. I only want them to help if they REALLY want to and I feel like if they REALLY wanted to, they would just do it. I know that's ridiculous, but it's what keeps me from asking for help, even when I want to. Anyway, I guess I got a little spoiled by all of that. As I started to heal and become more mobile, Josh took on more responsibilities, like yard work and actually going back to work, so he couldn't spend ALL of his time and attention on us anymore. I guess that was just a harder transition than I expected. Josh still does a great job of taking care of me. He helps me clean the house, he almost always washes the dishes, he cooks dinner some nights and lets me do whatever during that time, he starts diaper laundry while I feed Mason at night. He does all of the right things and more, but I still feel so needy and it frustrates me. A lot.
It was just the two of us for a long, long time. Then we got Bailey. She was really good practice for a baby, but it's so different at the same time. Now, we have a baby to share each other with while we're also trying to make sure our fur baby doesn't feel abandoned. I don't want to be less of a wife because I'm so busy being a mother. I think it's very important to always make our marriage a priority and sometimes, that's harder than I thought it would be. Sometimes it's hard to remember to show Josh how important he is to me when there's a baby by my side who relies on me for EVERYTHING.
Another thing I'm having trouble adjusting to is how needy I feel sometimes. Josh literally did everything for me during those first couple of weeks. I didn't change any diapers until we transitioned to cloth, so Mason was about 4 or 5 days old. Even after that, Josh changed all of the middle of the night diapers and most of the daytime diapers. When Mason needed to eat in the middle of the night, he got up with me just to keep me company. I didn't get my own food or water...he even brought food to me in bed (I still can't believe I ate in bed). He washed all of the laundry and took out all of the trash. He didn't have to work and we had help with meals, dishes and such, so he made it his full time job to take care of me and Mason. I never had to ask for anything, it was kind of like he read my mind and did exactly what I wanted before I even got the chance to ask for it. Every woman's dream, right? It was really nice. I hate asking for help, even from people closest to me. I only want them to help if they REALLY want to and I feel like if they REALLY wanted to, they would just do it. I know that's ridiculous, but it's what keeps me from asking for help, even when I want to. Anyway, I guess I got a little spoiled by all of that. As I started to heal and become more mobile, Josh took on more responsibilities, like yard work and actually going back to work, so he couldn't spend ALL of his time and attention on us anymore. I guess that was just a harder transition than I expected. Josh still does a great job of taking care of me. He helps me clean the house, he almost always washes the dishes, he cooks dinner some nights and lets me do whatever during that time, he starts diaper laundry while I feed Mason at night. He does all of the right things and more, but I still feel so needy and it frustrates me. A lot.
It was just the two of us for a long, long time. Then we got Bailey. She was really good practice for a baby, but it's so different at the same time. Now, we have a baby to share each other with while we're also trying to make sure our fur baby doesn't feel abandoned. I don't want to be less of a wife because I'm so busy being a mother. I think it's very important to always make our marriage a priority and sometimes, that's harder than I thought it would be. Sometimes it's hard to remember to show Josh how important he is to me when there's a baby by my side who relies on me for EVERYTHING.
On the brighter end of emotional things - You always hear people say you'll fall in love with your spouse all over again once you have a baby. I wouldn't say I doubted that, but I didn't understand it. Now, I completely understand it. It's so very true. Not only did Josh help me bring this amazing little gift into this world (and not just by getting me knocked up), he was there with me every step of the way during pregnancy and labor. All of the appointments, the bad days of pregnancy and the good, every single step of labor - he was my rock and my voice of reason when I started to doubt myself. He literally (and figuratively) held me up while I was pushing our baby boy out. He's been by my side through all the craziness of having a baby and raising him and that has taught me to love him in a brand new way. Even after all the things he saw when I was in labor and the way my body looks now, he's still attracted to me. There's nothing sexier than the man you love caring for you and your baby that way, as weird as that may sound. I feel SO incredibly blessed to have him in my life!
And of course, I feel so much joy when I'm able to take care of my baby. I'm healthy, he's healthy. When he's upset, I can (usually) calm him down. Our breastfeeding relationship has come such a long way and I really do think that has helped me emotionally. I look at him and I see his daddy (and a little bit of me), and that makes me so happy. Together, we made this amazing little boy. Getting to watch him grow up and help him to learn everything he is learning is such a fulfilling feeling.
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I'm doing SO much better now. I'm trying to get better about taking time to myself and that really helps. Josh sends me upstairs to take a bath so I can decompress a couple times a month. I want to start doing this once a week, because it really does help, but we have limited time between when Mason goes to bed and when we go to bed. It's hard to "steal away" an hour of that time. I know how to be "selfish" when it comes to other people, but not to my boys.
Adjusting to being a mom is not easy. Being a mom is not easy. It's a hard, hard job, but it's the best job I've ever had.
And of course, I feel so much joy when I'm able to take care of my baby. I'm healthy, he's healthy. When he's upset, I can (usually) calm him down. Our breastfeeding relationship has come such a long way and I really do think that has helped me emotionally. I look at him and I see his daddy (and a little bit of me), and that makes me so happy. Together, we made this amazing little boy. Getting to watch him grow up and help him to learn everything he is learning is such a fulfilling feeling.
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I'm doing SO much better now. I'm trying to get better about taking time to myself and that really helps. Josh sends me upstairs to take a bath so I can decompress a couple times a month. I want to start doing this once a week, because it really does help, but we have limited time between when Mason goes to bed and when we go to bed. It's hard to "steal away" an hour of that time. I know how to be "selfish" when it comes to other people, but not to my boys.
Adjusting to being a mom is not easy. Being a mom is not easy. It's a hard, hard job, but it's the best job I've ever had.
